City Budget Crisis: The Solution

There is only one thing worse than laying off police officers, and that is raising taxes or fees in an election year. What kind of world would we live in if we expected elected officials to make tough decisions and sacrifice incumbency just for the sake of public interests that don't involve football stadiums? A mad, mad, mad, mad, mad world, that's what kind.

After many hours of deep thought, intense study and listening to WLW I have determined the perfect solution to the governmental, budget and safety issues facing Cincinnati.

1) Every Cincinnatian must be a police officer. The police department accounts for a mere 37% of the city's budget and this is clearly not enough. Every citizen must be deputized. This way, citizens/officers who see someone not in uniform can reasonably conclude that the other person is a criminal and tase them with one of the 4 tasers they will be provided (work, home, car/segway, personal) until backup arrives by horsey.

2) Merge the FOP and City Council to make the Fraternal Order of City Council. Members of FOCC (or FOCCers) are appointed by the Mayor, who is appointed by the Chief of Police, who is appointed by the FOCCers. This setup would be more efficient than the current one, in which the FOP is forced to rely on a few vote-whoring safety-minded politicians like Leslie Ghiz to do its bidding. My new system removes this layer of bureaucracy while keeping the largest category of municipal spending priority #1 public safety priority #1.

3) Turn public pools into police stations. This way, they can be kept open and used by all citizens/police. There is beautiful irony in this because on one hand it will satisfy Laketa Cole, who wants to keep pools open, but on the other hand it will prevent her felon boyfriend from being able to use them. As it is said, politics is all about compromises.

4) Eliminate the need for the county coroner and replace with a city police coroner. The last thing this city needs is a physician-researcher who does a study showing that 90% of homicides are drug related. This will encourage people to adopt a false sense of security that they are safe downtown when in fact they are prey to mother-rapers, father-rapers, Honduran gangs, Bloods, Crips, Deveroes, Al-Queda and liberal democrats who research facts and evidence.

5) Eliminate anger-management therapy for police officers. This will save money. And let's face it, a citizenry made up of authoritarian personalities with anger management issues is a citizenry with big cars and little crime. Isn't that the Cincinnati we all dream of?