01 November 2010

Downtown Danger Report - Oct 2010

It's bad enough that Cincinnati is the most dangerous city anywhere in the world at anytime in human history. But it is especially painful to see our most precious symbol, Fountain Square, overtaken by the scourge of humanity.

The crowd that descended upon Fountain Square for Saturday's "Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear" viewing party was a typical representation of America's most dangerous segment: the radical moderates. Having neither the righteousness to stand with the one true Christian God nor the courage to claim 9/11 was an inside job, these "people of reason" and their sensible cotton-poly blends brought their FOUNTAIN OF HATRED to Fountain Square on Saturday.

I had hoped the local media would capture the hatred but unfortunately it was distracted by a shiny object on the riverfront.

And so it remained for me, intrepid citizen-journalist, to document the continuing dangers of downtown. And what I witnessed turned my blood cold:

As you can clearly see in the photo (taken at great personal risk), this evildoer is OPENLY DISPERSING A TOXIC CHEMICAL AGENT. I was almost hit by some of the dispersant myself.

I can only hope this photo will aid law enforcement in apprehending this dangerous criminal and also convince the public that we simply cannot have any cuts in the police budget. Cincinnati is too dangerous and we need every police officer to confront the dangers that lurk everywhere, even on Fountain Square.


Mark said...

This is closer to the truth than you might think. My daughter was playing with bubbles and a parent became upset that they might blind her kid. Toxic blinding bubbles: the worst threat to humanity ever!

WestEnder said...

Did the other kid not have eyelids?

When I posted this I wondered if people would chime in with reports of retaliation against innocuous activities. Frankly, I'm surprised to hear just one.

Mark said...

Another act of domestic terrorism my kids committed was playing with a plastic light saber (not the expensive kind, the ones you can get for $2.99). The mother of a precious wonder was worried about them. Apparently just seeing such a violent act as waving a light saber was mentally scarring.

Looking back I should have tried the Jedi mind trick. "This is not the light saber you're looking for."