If I Were a Sarcastic City Manager...

... this is how I would respond to Directions Research, Inc.'s questions to Council (by the way, someone at DRI or Council needs a proofreader):


(1) What are the City Administration's plan [sic] for working with Directions Research, Inc. to address the replacement of 110 parking spaces for their employees who pays [sic] 2.1% earnings income tax to the City?

The City Administration understands that expecting DRI staff to park a little further and walk a little more would be an outrageous affront to a company that not only employs employees, but whose employees pay taxes. And the suggestion some have made that DRI staff join the burgeoning movement in support of transportation alternatives is a notion so anathema, so viscerally disgusting that City Administration would rather shield itself from winter's cold nights under a quilt stitched together with pieces from Godzilla's old, sweaty jockey underwear.

Effective immediately, City Administration will suspend all non-essential functions and divert personnel and resources to provide uniformed curbside valet service for DRI staff. A successful company that employs employees who pays tax deserves no less.


(2) What are the City Administration's plans to address the noise problems anticipated to occur during construction and the forseeable [sic] adverse affects [sic] on this business and their [sic] customers?

Each morning, City Administration will attach giant blimps to the DRI building and airlift it to Shangri-La, where DRI staff can conduct their critical work in a proper environment surrounded by exotic butterflies and magic unicorns, unoppressed by the garish cacophony of excavation and construction.


(3) What are the City Administration's plans for addressing the safely [sic] and security of the Directions' employees, as well as citizens of Cincinnati who visit the proposed casino?

City Administration will assist DRI in pulling its head out of its ass. This critical first step will help DRI understand that the presence of thousands of additional people in the area is in itself the best way to ensure public safety. City Administration understands that DRI staff are the metaphorical cubic zirconia of downtown employees: shiny, sparkling and brilliant. City Administration likes to look at them. They make City Administration smile. City Administration would not let anything happen to them.


(4) What are City Administration's plans for meeting with the principal owners of this company in order to address these issues and bring a satisfactory resolution to them?

City Administration's plans are to bring over the owners' favorite candies and video games. City Administration hopes the owners will go to bed on time but if they fuss and throw a tantrum then City Administration will give up and let them stay up late.