Cincinnati vs. New York

I can understand why everyone is upset about A.A. Gill's recent hit piece in Vanity Fair. Few of us Cincinnatians ever get the chance to venture to exotic places like New York in a flying-machine so we naturally assume the rumors of its magnificent museums, buildings, parks, etc. are true. But this is not the case. I know this because I am one of the few Cincinnatians who has been there. Here is my story.

I recently made a trip to New York to personally visit the offices of Vanity Fair magazine. I am taking a class called “How to Get Your Writing Published” and one of the assignments was to visit an actual magazine to see how everything works. My first step was to do some research to find out which magazine would be best. While walking home from my second job at the Creation Museum, I passed a tanning/hairstyling salon and noticed a copy of Vanity Fair on the table. I knew that this was a sign from Jesus and thus my research was complete.

When I arrived in New York, the first thing I realized was that they spell it “Newark.” Yeah, I’m not kidding… those hip and stylish “Newarkers” can’t even spell their own city! As an angry, combative person by nature I was really pissed off about this and I began to hate the city.

Then I went to the publishing offices which were in Times Square. Well, guess what? I drove around all day and couldn’t find it. As far as I can tell, there is no place in Newark called “Times Square.” How do their employees get there? How do they get FedEx deliveries? I have driven a lot around the Midwest and I’m pretty good at finding things but I couldn’t find Times Square in Newark. And the Newarkers were no help, either. They are just as rude as people claim. When I told them I was looking for Times Square they just laughed. The problem was not me, it was them.

And that’s not all; while driving around this supposedly great city, I have so say I was very disappointed. This place is dirtier than my cousin's pig pen before he cleaned it up to impress my sister when they went-a-courtin'. I saw a few big buildings but nothing King Kong would ever bother with. And Godzilla would probably just take a dump on it. As a matter of fact, based on the way it smelled, he probably did. Mostly I saw garbage, abandoned and boarded buildings and scary people. And I’m pretty sure I heard gunshots.

I wouldn't put much stock in A.A. Gill's opinion. He really doesn't have a leg to stand on when it comes to judging other cities. I know because I’ve been to New York.